Lean in to What?

Posted on June 10, 2013 by

Several months ago the U.S. government passed a law requiring that all working women read and form an opinion on Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In. A rider on the law stipulates that every woman who has a blog (which is an absurdly large number) must write about her opinion about the book. Being the underachiever that I am, I’m just now getting around to fulfilling my legal requirements.

I liked the book a lot more than I expected to. I liked Sheryl Sandberg, a fact that will probably surprise her since she mentions several times that people do not like powerful women. I think she makes some great points, especially about the importance of making sure your partner “leans in” to family life. Unlike a lot of critics, I think she actually does a decent job of recognizing and acknowledging her position of privilege and how that privilege does not extend to most other working women (or humans living on this planet).

But, what I think she fails to acknowledge is that for most Americans, men and women alike, leaning in to working life makes very little sense, because for most Americans, working life sucks. I say this as someone who loves her job, as someone who has almost always been fortunate enough to love her job. I’ve only had three jobs in my life that I really didn’t like, and the longest I had to stay in a job I hated was a year.

But, working life isn’t what it used to be. My parents each had one job their entire professional lives. My parents finished their PhDs shortly before I was born, at which point they moved to Louisville, KY and joined the universities from which they retired 40 years later. My mother leaned in slightly before her time, but it made sense. She rose from assistant professor to full professor and eventually an associate vice chancellor. She took on challenges and new projects and it paid off.

Unlike my mom, I had a well-established career before I ever gave birth. But in the 9 years since I had my first child, I’ve been laid off from three separate companies, and it has nothing to do with me or my being a parent. It really doesn’t even have that much to do with the economy, it has to do with the way that workers are seen as interchangeable cogs in a machine. Part of the job I had when I had my first child was to work with British publishers to make books appropriate for the American school market. Even that job was outsourced overseas.

In what sense, economic or emotional, would it make sense to “lean in” to that kind of job insecurity? How would that be a good investment?

One of the examples Sandberg gives in her book is about how her husband needed a new job to reduce his commute. He became CEO of SurveyMonkey, and moved their headquarters from Portland, Oregon to San Francisco. Great for the Sandberg family, but what about all those workers in Portland that had “leaned in” to SurveyMonkey?

My husband, who like my parents is a tenured professor, has an unusual amount of job security, but his university, similar in many ways to my mother’s, is a hotbed of stress that hers never was. Sandberg should know all about how unhappy most workers are. Every week day my Facebook feed is full of stressed-out work complaints from people. Even those with traditionally coveted careers like designers and architects are miserable.

Sandberg talks about how important it was for her to learn that it was ok to leave work at 5:30, because you know, she was checking her email late at night. If she wants her employees to “lean in” to their jobs, why not make those jobs more reasonable? Why not, as the head of a huge and popular company, insist that people work no more than 40 hours a week? Why not set the example and simply walk out the door at 5 o’clock? Seriously, most of us aren’t farmers, how hard or efficiently can you be working if you need more than 40 hours a week to accomplish your job? What exactly are you doing?

Sandberg mentions how it wasn’t until she was 9 months pregnant and late for a meeting that she realized the need for maternity parking. I would say that instead of codifying the idea that pregnant women need special help, why not institute “emergency parking” for anyone who needs a little extra help that day? Why not be kind to everyone? Or better yet, why not institute a company culture that when someone in obvious physical distress comes in 10 minutes to a meeting, everyone exhibits a little patience and doesn’t make her feel like she’ll lose her job?

I know a lot of people who like what they do for a living, who like the people with whom they work, and like their companies. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t find their job stressful and insecure. I don’t know anyone who, given the option to have a socially acceptable, financially feasible way of stepping back, at least part way from that job, wouldn’t just lean, but jump at that chance.

If Sandberg really wants people in general, and women in particular, to strive harder, to lean in to their careers, she needs to do her part to make work something more comfortable to lean in to.

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The Boy Scout Dilemma, Another Update

Posted on May 24, 2013 by

Last Fall my husband and I spent a lot of time debating internally, on here, and on Facebook what to do about our Boy Scout problem.

Our son wanted to be a Boy Scout. His sister is a Girl Scout and I could not be happier with the benefits she’s seen from that. He wanted the same. Except, of course, the two organizations are not the same and the Boy Scouts had a policy against allowing gay members or volunteers.

Although I found the views of the BSA repugnant, I was at a complete loss as to how to explain the problem to my son. My son has always known gay people. He has always known that some families are made up of two dads, two moms, one mom, one dad. In fact, he has stated how much more fun life would be if he had two dads (especially during the Super Bowl). In Kindergarten when another kid said that two boys couldn’t get married because you couldn’t have kids, my son put him in his place, “That’s not true, my Uncle Ken is married to another boy and he has kids!”

What he didn’t know though was that some people didn’t like when two boys were married to each other. He also didn’t know the word “gay.” My kids have always known how babies are born, they know that’s called sex. I found it very easy to explain to them. But the reason I found sex easy to explain is because I simply explained it as something you do to have babies. I never explained that there are other reasons to have sex. Although at his age I was running around trying to force boys to kiss me, both my kids are surprisingly uninterested in kissing and surprisingly unaware of the over-sexed culture we live in.

I was squeamish about telling my son he couldn’t be a Boy Scout because I thought doing so would open up a whole new conversation about sex. So we simply stalled. We didn’t say  yes or no about being a Scout, I just didn’t sign him up. I bought us some time.

Then, Jason Collins came out. My son was understandably shocked to find me reading Sports Illustrated and he wanted to know why. So, I told him. In telling him I realized what an idiot I’d been, that it was totally easy to explain.

We talked about what it meant to be gay, that even if you aren’t married to another boy, you know you would want to marry or date another boy. We talked about how some people were mean to others who are gay, they don’t want gay people to do things other people can do. We talked about Jason Collins being brave for telling other people something they might not want to hear. We talked about how he was or wasn’t like Jackie Robinson. We talked about his uncles that are married to each other, and which of his uncles would want to marry other boys (Hey, Richard, you’ve been outed and your godson wants to know when you’re getting married). We talked about the Save-the-Date for two men he doesn’t know that’s currently on my fridge. I assured him that no one was being mean to his uncles (well, you know, for being gay).

Then he took the magazine from me and that was that. But it let me know that whatever the Boy Scouts decided it would be ok. My son now had the info he needed to be able to make the decision himself.

I’m glad we stalled last year. I don’t think we could have had that conversation a year ago. I’m glad we stalled last year, because now even though the Boy Scouts didn’t make a perfect decision, it’s clear that they’re progressing and I won’t feel bad if my son decides to join.

So, thank you BSA for inching towards the future and thank you Jason Collins for forcing me to see how easy the conversation actually was.

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Judging Isn’t the Problem

Posted on May 23, 2013 by

You hear it all the time in the s0-called “Mommy Wars.”

“I hate how judgmental other moms are.” “I hate being judged because I bottle-feed/work/stay home/spank/wear/don’t wear my baby/let my kids sacrifice small animals in my neighbor’s yard.”

Guess what ladies, judging isn’t the problem. We all make judgements. For example, if you wear white before Memorial Day, I am judging you as being just a wee bit tacky (unless you’re in Kentucky and it’s between Derby and Memorial Day because that has always been a debatable point).

Likewise, when you see me around town in ill-fitting work out clothes, no makeup and god knows what is going on with my hair, you are probably judging me to be sloppy and unconcerned with my appearance (unless you’re wearing the same in which case “holla”- I think that’s what the kids say but it might be holler, not sure).

I’m ok with that. Judging is human and it’s healthy. We tell our kids all the time to use their best judgement to figure out what’s right and what’s wrong. We use our judgement to keep us safe, we use our judgement to keep us from doing stupid things we’ve seen other people do.

It’s alright for me to look at what you do as a parent and think “I would never do that.” It’s even ok for me to look at you and think “Wow, she’s not a very good mom.” Despite what the latest feel good magazine article says, you may actually suck and I’m entitled to think so.

Here’s what’s not ok. It’s not ok for me to make it obvious in word or action to you that I think you aren’t a good mom. It’s not ok for me to tell others that you aren’t a good mom. Like the wearing white thing, it’s tacky. It also isn’t ok for me to delude myself for one minute by thinking that you, or someone like you, doesn’t think the same thing about me.

What’s really not ok though is for you to care if I judge you. Who the hell am I? Seriously, this isn’t the John Hughes version of high school. No one person or group wields the power. If by the time you have kids you haven’t grown enough of a backbone to be confident in your decisions as a parent, then yes, I’m judging you for that. You owe it to yourself (and your kids) to quit caring so much about whether someone else is judging you. They are judging you, move on.

Let’s face it, you also owe it to the future of feminism and women (even if you don’t call yourself a feminist, and yes, I judge you for that, too). Worrying about being judged, feeling judged, and whining about it is primarily a female occupation. Stay at Home Dads do often complain about feeling judged, but I believe in their case it’s something they’ve learned on the playground. Men in the workplace don’t complain about feeling judged for working or not feeding their kids organic food or not using a baby sling. Most men are not wasting a single precious moment of their lives wondering how others judge them (if they did, they’d hit the gym, buy a decent razor, and maybe buy a new pair of shoelaces every once in a while). I know grown women, competent women with multiple degrees who actually waste time worrying that others are judging them for their husband’s appearance. What could those women be doing if they weren’t so concerned with buying shoelaces for someone else?

So quit, just quit complaining that the other mommies are judging you. Quit caring that the other mommies are judging you. Unless those other mommies are custody judges, your partner, or your mother-in-law, their judgement really isn’t the problem, yours is.

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My Dream Mother’s Day Gift

Posted on May 10, 2013 by

I’m pretty sure I know what I’m getting for Mother’s Day this weekend. But if you want to know what I really want it’s this: I’d like an entire month where I don’t see another article that explains why American mothers suck and everyone else does it better. Actually no, what I’d like is an entire month where I don’t see another article that explains why American mothers suck without acknowledging and explaining that we aren’t parenting in some vacuum. Maybe it’s because my own mother is a sociologist, but just once I’d like to read a parenting article that acknowledges that parents are part of society and our actions are a reflection of and reaction to that society.

You know all the articles about the Amazonian 5 year olds who use machetes and how Americans are afraid to give their kids butter knives? Guess what, that Amazonian 5 year old uses a machete because every one in his village uses a machete. Since birth he has seen people use machetes and he has learned how to use one safely. You know what else, he needs to know how to use a machete. My children do not live in an Amazonian village, they live in the Village of Oak Park. They have never seen anyone use a machete and will never need to use a machete. They will however need to know how to use a cell phone. Luckily, since birth they have watched everyone in their village use a cell phone and they know how to use one safely. My work here is done.

What about the Japanese kids who don’t ask for snacks and learn to wait to eat dinner until everyone is home to eat dinner together? That would be great, except of course, in our SOCIETY very few of us have nights where we all eat dinner together. Between T-ball, Hebrew School, and work my family has not had a single night this week where we could all eat dinner together. Please don’t tell me that I’m a typical, stupid American mom who has over-scheduled her children. My children are in group sports because we live in a SOCIETY that does not have adequate physical education during the school day, so it has to be provided outside of school. Also, the skills learned in organized group sports are actually skills that our society values.

We also live in a heterogenous society that values cultural diversity. That means my children do not get religious education at school. It’s something that we take care of outside of school. Pain, yes? But, still overall better than living in the homogeneous shtetl in which my grandparents were born.

Every society around the world educates their children to be functioning members of that society. The way children play, eat, and learn reflects the needs and values of that society. The way parents parent reflects the realities and needs of that society.

I’m not saying that American parents are fantastic, that we do everything correctly. I am saying that we don’t do anything alone.

That’s what I want for Mother’s Day, although I will gladly accept the massage appointment.

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My Mother’s Pills

Posted on April 29, 2013 by

The following things have been known to give my mother a headache: rain, cold, heat, hunger, arguments, stress, breathing. So, I knew when we were out the other night and I needed something for a headache, she would have it.

My mother took out a small pill box. “I need to be careful, some of these have codeine and others don’t, and they’re about the same size.” My mother has not been able to read a billboard without glasses for about 10 years, but she proceeded to sort through these pills without her glasses and hand me two. They didn’t match.

“Marcia, these don’t match, how do you know which one has codeine?”

I should explain that from an early age my mother taught me to call her by her first name in public. It’s not that she’s embarrassed to be my mother (normally). It’s that there are lots of kids running around yelling “Mom” and how is she supposed to know which one means her? It’s not really relevant to the story, but it’s taken me a long time to appreciate my mother’s logical and unsentimental approach to parenting, so I thought I’d mention it.

“Oh, those are the same, just from different batches, see, here’s the one with codeine,” she said handing me a third pill.
“Mom, two of these are exactly the same, which one is the codeine?”
“Hmm, I guess you can’t tell them apart after all.”

All though by this point I really wanted the codeine I thought that since I needed to drive my children, husband and parents home, I should probably ask my dad for one of his heart attack preventing asprins instead. This is one of the good thing about parents aging, they always have drugs on hand. Feeling better, I return to my mother’s issue.

“Marcia, why are you carrying around codeine in your purse? If you need codeine shouldn’t you be home?”
“Well, I had this day where I had a horrible headache and lots of meetings in different places, and I knew I would need the codeine. So I just added it to the pill box with my tylenol.”
“Mom, you know you’re not supposed to drive when you take codeine, right? Doesn’t the prescription say that?”
“Oh, it’s not prescription, it’s over-the-counter from Canada.”

Because you know what your mother always taught you, “As long as its black market not a prescription, it isn’t a problem.”

 

 

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Fear and Lock Downs

Posted on March 19, 2013 by

Yesterday my children’s school was on “soft lock down.” There had been a home burglary in the area and the police requested the lock down as a precautionary measure.

I didn’t find out about it until the lock down was over, and I found out about the lock down and the reason for it at the same time, so, I was not worried. I was a little freaked out when I found out that the suspect had last been seen a block from my house, but not too concerned.

I was fine with the lock down. I was fine with my children telling me the difference between a “soft” and “hard” lock down. They were not afraid and I was not afraid.

Last night we got an email from my son’s teacher. She explained what had happened, and how the students had handled it. She said they discussed the differences between the lock downs, and various “what if” scenarios. Then, there was this line, “To be honest, the scariest thing for them was the possibility of being in the dark.”

Of all the things, that made me cry.

My son is in first grade. I can easily pick him up. He still fits perfectly on my lap when we read and I can “puzzle piece” him for a good cuddle. He explains complicated football plays to me and dreams of being a professional athlete. He is a little bit afraid of the dark.

He is the same age as the victims of Newtown. He is afraid of the dark, and they were afraid of the dark. Several months later, it is still too hard to think about. I think that for a long time, we will all be a little bit afraid of the dark.

Posted in Education, Family Life | 1 Comment

Sheryl Sandberg & What We Really Need

Posted on March 15, 2013 by

I’ve read articles about Sheryl Sandberg’s new book, Lean In that make me want to read it. I’ve also read articles that make me want to run away from it. One of the articles I read discussed the idea that women should not turn down career opportunities because they expected to get pregnant. Rather, they should accept opportunities and deal with the potential complications later.

I was thinking what horrible advice this was, that it was the exact opposite of what I did. When I got married I hoped to have kids quickly. I purposely switched careers to find something more flexible. I was feeling smug. Then, I remembered – I’m not a high powered executive. I’m not even a low powered executive. I’m not an executive of any sort, and actually, I don’t want to be.

I want to have meaningful work, that pays me decently and leaves me time to spend with my kids. I imagine there are plenty of women and men who feel the same way. I imagine if you swap “kids” for “family” or “life” there are plenty of single and childless people who feel the same way as well.

In a lot of the discussion of Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg people are debating the wrong things. The question isn’t if women should still be able to become CEOs if they take maternity leave. The question isn’t even if parents should be able to reach the highest levels of work life if they take flex time or parental leave.

Maybe they should, maybe they shouldn’t. There are very few high powered jobs that can be done part time, or 100% from home, or can be achieved if you leave for a year every two years to have a baby. It’s not sexist or anti-feminist to say that people need to make choices about what’s most important to them. It’s sexist for employers (or society) to decide FOR a woman (or a man) that she will or should make certain choices. It’s sexist to deny people the right to make those choices for themselves.

We do not need more ways for women (or men) to have satisfying family lives and very high powered careers. There are relatively few men and women who will ever become CEOs. Worrying about how to get more of one gender or another in those ranks, doesn’t seem that important to me. Learning how to make life more comfortable or balanced for that cohort also doesn’t seem that important to me.

What we do need though is more ways for women and men to have lives that are satisfying both professionally and personally. We need more jobs available to men and women that pay a decent wage without requiring 50 plus hours a week of work.

We need more ways for men and women to do their mid-level and upper-mid-level and low-level jobs and still have time for their families. We need more low-level jobs that pay a decent wage.

Yes, any woman who wants to work 80 hours a week should have just as much a chance at becoming CEO as any man who wants to work 80 hours a week. But honestly, most of us don’t want to do that.

Where are the manifestos for the rest of us?

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