by advicefrommarta | May 11, 2018 | Family Life
A few years ago a young man from South Africa stayed with us for a week. During the week he told me the story of how he came to be adopted by his mother and given his name. He was the product of an extra-marital affair and for the first few years he lived with his biological mother and an abusive step-father. The abuse became bad enough that one of his legs was permanently damaged. His biological father came and took him and brought him to live with him, his wife, and their children.
His wife, the woman on whom he had cheated, took in the child of his affair and renamed the child “Given,” because he was a gift to her.
The other day a young teen told me that they were happy because every year on Mother’s Day their family takes a three generation picture, child, mother, and grandparents. This year is the first year since the teen came out as non-binary and it will be the first year that they do not have to wear a dress for the photo.
The birth of my oldest child in late February was difficult and dangerous and left me with health issues that took almost a year to completely diagnose and solve. Mother’s Day was one of the first days that I felt strong enough to be up and out. We went out to lunch and to the outdoor mall. I remember the way waiters and shoppers congratulated me and cooed at my beautiful daughter. Everyone I saw smiled at me and wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. In some ways it felt like another birthday for my daughter and me. I felt loved and accepted, and seen, and I felt like I could in fact be a mother.
I know that Mother’s Day is not easy for everyone. For those of who have lost mothers or children, or are estranged from them, or are having trouble conceiving, it is especially difficult. But even for those with intact families, it can be hard. My Facebook feed is full of memes that are kind of funny and kind of bitter about Mother’s Day. Mainly they’re from moms hoping that they won’t spend Mother’s Day fighting with their families, pretending to like gifts, feeling subservient to mothers-in-law, or cleaning up the messes created by breakfast in bed.
As children we look to our mothers to tell us who we are, to tell us our place in the world, to make us feel loved and to make us feel that we are gifts. As teens, we look to our mothers to stop telling us who we are and start really seeing us as we are. Kids ask all the time why there’s Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and no Kid’s Day, and almost all parents answer “Because every day is Kid’s Day,” except it isn’t. Or maybe it is, after all, every day is a day we all go out into the world looking to be seen and loved.
by advicefrommarta | May 10, 2013 | Family Life
I’m pretty sure I know what I’m getting for Mother’s Day this weekend. But if you want to know what I really want it’s this: I’d like an entire month where I don’t see another article that explains why American mothers suck and everyone else does it better. Actually no, what I’d like is an entire month where I don’t see another article that explains why American mothers suck without acknowledging and explaining that we aren’t parenting in some vacuum. Maybe it’s because my own mother is a sociologist, but just once I’d like to read a parenting article that acknowledges that parents are part of society and our actions are a reflection of and reaction to that society.
You know all the articles about the Amazonian 5 year olds who use machetes and how Americans are afraid to give their kids butter knives? Guess what, that Amazonian 5 year old uses a machete because every one in his village uses a machete. Since birth he has seen people use machetes and he has learned how to use one safely. You know what else, he needs to know how to use a machete. My children do not live in an Amazonian village, they live in the Village of Oak Park. They have never seen anyone use a machete and will never need to use a machete. They will however need to know how to use a cell phone. Luckily, since birth they have watched everyone in their village use a cell phone and they know how to use one safely. My work here is done.
What about the Japanese kids who don’t ask for snacks and learn to wait to eat dinner until everyone is home to eat dinner together? That would be great, except of course, in our SOCIETY very few of us have nights where we all eat dinner together. Between T-ball, Hebrew School, and work my family has not had a single night this week where we could all eat dinner together. Please don’t tell me that I’m a typical, stupid American mom who has over-scheduled her children. My children are in group sports because we live in a SOCIETY that does not have adequate physical education during the school day, so it has to be provided outside of school. Also, the skills learned in organized group sports are actually skills that our society values.
We also live in a heterogenous society that values cultural diversity. That means my children do not get religious education at school. It’s something that we take care of outside of school. Pain, yes? But, still overall better than living in the homogeneous shtetl in which my grandparents were born.
Every society around the world educates their children to be functioning members of that society. The way children play, eat, and learn reflects the needs and values of that society. The way parents parent reflects the realities and needs of that society.
I’m not saying that American parents are fantastic, that we do everything correctly. I am saying that we don’t do anything alone.
That’s what I want for Mother’s Day, although I will gladly accept the massage appointment.
