A couple of days ago I ran an article I wrote a while back about the six guys you should sleep with before you get married. A friend suggested that I write the opposite side “the guys you should NOT sleep with.” I had a much harder time coming up with this list of don’ts, which may explain why I wasn’t in a very big hurry to get married!
Really though, I think it’s because it’s very difficult to warn people away from making mistakes. It’s so much easier to encourage people to try something than it is to try and keep them from doing something bad.
Don’t believe me? Try telling yourself to eat an apple. Now, try telling yourself NOT to eat that cookie. Try telling yourself to save money so that you can go on vacation. Now, try telling yourself NOT to buy those fabulous on-sale shoes. See what I mean?
The idea of saying “yes” to good behavior instead of “no” to undesirable behavior forms the basis of a lot of public health education as well as a lot of parenting books, but we still manage to forget it when we see someone we love about to do something stupid.
Be that as it may, a list was requested, so here it goes.
1. Last Call Charlie
This one is obvious. If you didn’t want to go home with him when you were sober, don’t go home with him drunk.
2.The Love Maker
He actually uses the words “make love” with a straight face, even if you’re hanging from a chandelier at the time. Hey, “making love” is great, but not knowing the difference between making love and a good time makes it all feel kind of icky.
You know those pamphlets you got your freshman year of college about how to avoid committing date rape? The pamphlets stressed respect and responsibility and asking permission. It sounds great on paper, but really nothing kills the mood more than having someone ask if they can place a finger in an orifice.
4. The High School Crush (once you’re past college)
It seems like such a great idea, finally living out your high school fantasy. But most high school fantasies are better left in high school. If it goes badly you’ve ruined a treasured memory. Even if it goes well, it can’t possibly live up to the dream. The one exception is if you’re still in college. In that event this can be a fun way to put some of those high school demons to rest.
5. Your Ex (more than once, ok, maybe twice, alright three times, but that’s the max)
If he broke up with you, you’ll get confused. If you broke up with him, he’ll get confused. Either get back together or move on!
6. Someone Else’s Husband/Boyfriend
If you’re looking for a fling this can seem like a great no-strings plan. There are all sorts of rationalizations you can tell yourself, but really there’s no way to come out of this feeling like a good person.
Did I miss anyone?
Loved it! I fell out of my seat laughing…again!!! Hilarious!
(1) Here’s some guys that you missed. “Your: Boss; Teacher; Student; Relative.
(2a) Concerning “…nothing kills the mood more than having someone ask if they can place a finger in an orifice:” Your use “orifice” too generally. You are probably referring to one’s vagina, but a nostril is an orifice, and so, technically, is an ear. “May I place my finger in your nose?” would certainly be a mood killer, but it’s better to ask than to act.
(2b) Does etiquette require a spoken petition for dactyl-made fundamental admission, barring a prior accord for acquiescence? I posit affirmatively.
CJH, I disagree with one and a half of your points. if someone wanted to stick a finger in my nose during sex, I’d rather he just go ahead and do it then ask me first. But, hey that’s just me. I also think that a one time fling with a boss or teacher, while you’re still young enough to recover from it can be a good thing.